(Ok, it's not really that humorous:)
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1966.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. well darn!
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. oh no - not again!
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." and I just hate that!
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh No!
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
Hmmm......Have I already sent this to you?
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! that too!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. DUH!
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. done that!
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Church Chuckle
Some humorous little quips from times past. Which one is your favorite? Hope you enjoy.
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church
bulletins or were announced in church services:
--------------------------
>>> The Fasting & Prayer
>>> Conference includes meals.
>>> --------------------------
>>> The sermon this morning:
>>> 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight:
>>> 'Searching for Jesus.'
>>> --------------------------
>>> Ladies, don't forget
>>> the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
>>> things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your
>>> husbands.
>>> --------------------------
>>> Remember in prayer the many
>>> who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard
>>> to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care
>>> much about you.
>>> --------------------------
>>> Don't let worry kill
>>> you off - let the Church help.
>>> --------------------------
>>> Miss Charlene Mason sang
>>> 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious
>>> pleasure to the congregation.
>>> --------------------------
>>> For those of you who have
>>> children and don't know it, we have a nursery
>>> downstairs.
>>> --------------------------
>>> Next Thursday there will be
>>> tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
>>> --------------------------
>>> Irving Benson and Jessie
>>> Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a
>>> friendship that began in their school days.
>>> --------------------------
>>> A bean supper will be held
>>> on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
>>> --------------------------
>>> At the evening service
>>> tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
>>> Come early and listen to our choir practice .
>>> --------------------------
>>> Eight new choir robes are
>>> currently needed due to the addition of several new members
>>> and to the deterioration of some older ones.
>>> --------------------------
>>> Scouts are saving aluminum
>>> cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will
>>> be used to cripple children.
>>> --------------------------
>>> Please place your donation
>>> in the envelope along with the deceased person you want
>>> remembered..
>>> --------------------------
>>> The church will host an
>>> evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious
>>> hostility.
>>> --------------------------
>>> Potluck supper Sunday at
>>> 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
>>> --------------------------
>>> The ladies of the Church
>>> have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in
>>> the basement on Friday afternoon.
>>> --------------------------
>>> This evening at 7 PM there
>>> will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.
>>> Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
>>> --------------------------
>>> Ladies Bible Study will be
>>> held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to
>>> lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
>>> --------------------------
>>> The pastor would appreciate
>>> it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their
>>> electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
>>> --------------------------
>>> Low Self Esteem Support
>>> Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
>>> - -------------------------
>>>
>>> The eighth-graders will be
>>> presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement
>>> Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
>>> tragedy.
>>> --------------------------
>>> Weight Watchers will meet
>>> at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large
>>> double door at the side entrance.
>>> --------------------------
>>> The Associate Minister
>>> unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
>>> 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church
bulletins or were announced in church services:
--------------------------
>>> The Fasting & Prayer
>>> Conference includes meals.
>>> --------------------------
>>> The sermon this morning:
>>> 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight:
>>> 'Searching for Jesus.'
>>> --------------------------
>>> Ladies, don't forget
>>> the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
>>> things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your
>>> husbands.
>>> --------------------------
>>> Remember in prayer the many
>>> who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard
>>> to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care
>>> much about you.
>>> --------------------------
>>> Don't let worry kill
>>> you off - let the Church help.
>>> --------------------------
>>> Miss Charlene Mason sang
>>> 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious
>>> pleasure to the congregation.
>>> --------------------------
>>> For those of you who have
>>> children and don't know it, we have a nursery
>>> downstairs.
>>> --------------------------
>>> Next Thursday there will be
>>> tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
>>> --------------------------
>>> Irving Benson and Jessie
>>> Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a
>>> friendship that began in their school days.
>>> --------------------------
>>> A bean supper will be held
>>> on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
>>> --------------------------
>>> At the evening service
>>> tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
>>> Come early and listen to our choir practice .
>>> --------------------------
>>> Eight new choir robes are
>>> currently needed due to the addition of several new members
>>> and to the deterioration of some older ones.
>>> --------------------------
>>> Scouts are saving aluminum
>>> cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will
>>> be used to cripple children.
>>> --------------------------
>>> Please place your donation
>>> in the envelope along with the deceased person you want
>>> remembered..
>>> --------------------------
>>> The church will host an
>>> evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious
>>> hostility.
>>> --------------------------
>>> Potluck supper Sunday at
>>> 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
>>> --------------------------
>>> The ladies of the Church
>>> have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in
>>> the basement on Friday afternoon.
>>> --------------------------
>>> This evening at 7 PM there
>>> will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.
>>> Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
>>> --------------------------
>>> Ladies Bible Study will be
>>> held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to
>>> lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
>>> --------------------------
>>> The pastor would appreciate
>>> it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their
>>> electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
>>> --------------------------
>>> Low Self Esteem Support
>>> Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
>>> - -------------------------
>>>
>>> The eighth-graders will be
>>> presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement
>>> Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
>>> tragedy.
>>> --------------------------
>>> Weight Watchers will meet
>>> at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large
>>> double door at the side entrance.
>>> --------------------------
>>> The Associate Minister
>>> unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
>>> 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Non-Partisan Political Humor
In light of voting day, here's a little something to make you chuckle. (Thank you MountainAsh).
While walking down the street one day a politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so
we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the politician.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have
you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where
to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the politician.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a
green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of
it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake
his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at
the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy and who has a
good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that
before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises ..
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter
is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good
time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The politician reflects for a minute, then answers: 'Well, I would never have
said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting
it in black bags as more trash falls from above...
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I
don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar,
drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a
wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says.......
Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.
While walking down the street one day a politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so
we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the politician.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have
you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where
to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the politician.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a
green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of
it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake
his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at
the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy and who has a
good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that
before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises ..
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter
is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good
time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The politician reflects for a minute, then answers: 'Well, I would never have
said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting
it in black bags as more trash falls from above...
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I
don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar,
drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a
wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says.......
Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Democrats vs. Republicans - Heated Political Debates
I come from the old school of business ethics wherein discussion of politics is considered taboo for the workplace. And since this is my workplace (ahem), I refuse to even tread upon that topic. Sorry to disappoint you, but hot and heavy political debates is not something that I will be discussing here. My views are privately shared with my loyal, loving dog who always wags her tail in agreement to all my economic and social views. And of course my DH, but he just grunts to whatever I say (no tail wagging from him). So, instead of trying to persuade, convince or coerce you into some kind of political arena, I'd rather bring a little humor before you. Enjoy!
"We're leaning more and more about John and Cindy McCain. He's on this big biography tour. I guess his wife Cindy is worth over $100 million because the family made money selling Budweiser beer. So he has a wife 20 years younger than him, free beer, and unlimited money. I think I speak for all guys when I go, 'Why is he running for president?'" --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama was speaking to a Jewish group, and he told them that his name Barack is the same as the Jewish word 'baruch,' which means one who's blessed. That's what he said, yeah. Obama had a harder time explaining his middle name, Hussein. Things got quiet there." –Conan O'Brien
"Barack Obama gave a big speech on race, and there was one heckler in the audience, kept screaming crazy stuff the whole time. Turns out it was his pastor." --Jay Leno
"Earlier today, John McCain released 1,200 pages of his medical records. Or, as his doctor calls it, Chapter One." --Conan O'Brien
"Vice President Dick Cheney's wife, Lynne Cheney, said that Barack Obama and Dick Cheney are related. She said they are actually eighth cousins. ... Lynne Cheney says that Obama and Dick Cheney's connection was the result of one of Obama's ancestors marrying one of Cheney's ancestors in 1650. Even more interesting, you know who introduced them in 1650? Bob Dole." --Jay Leno
"You see Barack Obama at that rally surrounded by all those Kennedys? Man, I couldn't tell if he was running for president or bartender." --Jay Leno
"John McCain is now crisscrossing the United States campaigning. Or, as they're calling it, Antiques Roadshow." --Jay Leno
"Are you familiar with the Hillary Clinton 3 a.m. phone call commercial that she's been running? … Well, she's got another one of those, and the phone rings at 3 a.m., Hillary answers the phone, she picks it up, and she says "Stop bothering me, President Obama!" –David Letterman
"And John McCain has one of those 3 a.m. campaign commercials. In this one it's 3 a.m. and he just gets up to go to the bathroom." –David Letterman
Compiled by Daniel
Kurtzman.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Signs that Make You Chuckle
These pics originated from an email that my brother sent. I think that our favorite is the "Govt Warning." Have a good laugh and feel free to pass on the smiles.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Something Funny and Something Pretty
Here's some new earrings from us today. Something purple and turquoise in one of our favorite color combinations. For some reason, it took forevers trying to download the pics from the camera program to photoshop. Maybe if I tried doing things when I'm not half asleep it would've been much easier - ya think?!!!!
Anyways, here's something funny to leave you w/ but you really must have a mental picture of someone Filipino dressed up in a Santa suit.
Filipino Santa
(Submitted via email by Tbone)
Q) There are three Santas on the Roof. Which one is the Filipino one?
A) The one in the bunny suit.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Local Hawaiian Joke
How was your weekend? We had a very mellow, relaxing weekend. Hula for Milani, errands, church, and that's about it. Sorry, I have no new pics to post as it rained all weekend here in "sunny" California. I do have an oldie but goodie local joke for you.
Disclaimer: This is not intended to offend anyone. We are of mixed ethnic descent and are poking fun at our own ancestral roots.
There were three students: one Japanese, one Haole, and one Filipino. The teacher asked the students to use the words, "chicken, nut, and bread" in a sentence. The Japanese girl went first.
"Last night for dinner, my mother cooked us chicken and yummy banana nut bread."
"That's good," the teacher replied.
Next went the Haole boy, "I live on a farm and we raise chickens, and grow nuts to put them into our bread."
After that, the teacher asked the Filipino boy to use the words in a sentence. The Filipino boy replied, "Ho ya know, my madda said neba put de plastic bag oba my sistah's head cuz chicken nut bread."
Disclaimer: This is not intended to offend anyone. We are of mixed ethnic descent and are poking fun at our own ancestral roots.
There were three students: one Japanese, one Haole, and one Filipino. The teacher asked the students to use the words, "chicken, nut, and bread" in a sentence. The Japanese girl went first.
"Last night for dinner, my mother cooked us chicken and yummy banana nut bread."
"That's good," the teacher replied.
Next went the Haole boy, "I live on a farm and we raise chickens, and grow nuts to put them into our bread."
After that, the teacher asked the Filipino boy to use the words in a sentence. The Filipino boy replied, "Ho ya know, my madda said neba put de plastic bag oba my sistah's head cuz chicken nut bread."
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